Alice on Top of the World, chapter three

Chapter Three

'A Series of Confusing Directions'

When Alice, with Fle pulling his little cart and its precious cargo dutifully behind him,

arrived at the aspidistra-bordered path, she wasted no time in feeding the hungry plants,

spreading generous amounts of fertilizer around the base of each and every one.

“Heavens above,” said the mother aspidistra, when Alice and Fle began watering it in, “I

feel better already.”

“So do I,” said the baby plant, enjoying its first ever taste of the precious food.

“My,” said Alice standing back in astonishment, watching the baby plant’s sudden spurt

of fresh new growth “I can see you growing before my very eyes!”

“They all are,” said Fle as he finished watering in the last granules of fertilizer and stood

back to watch the lightning-fast results.

Fle was right; all of the plants had put on a sudden spurt of growth, and so much so

they soon covered the winding path entirely from view.

“Oh dear,” said Alice in fright, “now how shall I ever be able to find my way along it?”

The plant nearest to Alice (the father plant) began swaying, and very soon all the plants

had joined in with the lurching motion, making her feel terribly dizzy. “Oh please do stop

it,” she implored, trying to steady herself against Fle’s little cart.

“We can’t stop,” said the father plant.

“But why?” Alice asked in puzzlement. “Haven’t I fertilised every one of you?”

“You have,” the plant gratefully acknowledged.

“Then what is the problem?” Alice asked with a flourish of her upturned hands, to

emphasise her growing concern.

“We are unhappy,” the plant explained. “We are upset that we have overgrown the path

and ruined your chances of ever finding the White Rabbit.” The plants began swaying all

the more.

Tugging at the huge leaves, hoping to see a way through, Alice saw nothing but

greenery, greenery and yet more greenery. “I see what you mean,” she said. Then

turning to Fle, she asked, “Fle, do you know how I can ever hope to find the White

Rabbit, if there is no path for me to follow?”

“Ah, the White Rabbit,” Fle replied with a little smile. “Why did yous naat say that

before?”

Alice thought she had told Fle all about her adventure, including the Rabbit, but being in

such a strange place she knew that anything was possible, including her mind playing

tricks on her, so she said, “Do you know where he might possibly be found, Fle? He

said we must return to the top of the world, and I’m terribly afraid I might never find my

way up there again.”

“That I moight,” Fle replied, taking a small notebook from out of his trouser pocket and

flicking through its pages. “Let me sees,” he said, “would that be under R for Rabbit, or

W for White?”

“I should think it’s under W,” said Alice without any hesitation.

“Hmm, W, you ses…” Fle advanced to the section marked W. “Nope,” he said, “nuthing

under W.”

“Then is must surely be under R,” said Alice as she watched the elf’s little fingers make

their way through to the R section.

“Nope, it’s not there, either,” he said, scratching his head, trying to work out where he

had actually recorded the Rabbit’s personal details.

As she waited, Alice wondered how Fle managed to find anything, considering he was

so unorganised at something as basic as recording a name and address into a

notebook. Then she had an idea, and she squealed with delight, saying, “That’s it! Fle,

look under B, for Bunny!”

“Hmm, B, yous ses?” said Fle as he began working his way through the pages once

again.

“Moi God, yous’re right,” he said with a hoot when he found it.

“How do I find him – please?” Alice asked, beginning to lose patience at what she felt

was an unnecessarily long delay to her journey.

“Ah,” said Fle, going over the details for a second time, to be sure he had them perfectly

right.

“Well, Fle?” Alice asked, stamping her foot on the ground, hoping to hurry along the old

elf.

“It is never wurth hurryn too much,” said Fle, in mock anger at Alice, for trying to rush

him, “cos I figure the more yous rush the slower yous will be goin…”

“Please, Mr Fle (Alice thought to address him by Mr, as a way of spurring on the old elf),

please tell me where I can find the White Rabbit?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Fle finally admitted, looking surprised that Alice did not already know,

“the Rabbit lives in his house…”

“In his house?” said Alice, “What sort of an address is that?”

“It’s his address,” said Fle, quite surprised that Alice would ask so foolish a thing. Then

he added, “All that yous have to do is follow yours nose, and before long you will see his

neat little house – I hear it’s the very same one as the one in Wonderland – with a bright

brass plate on the front door, spelling the name W. Rabbit. Sees, I told yous it wus

easy!”

“Thank you so much,” said Alice as she stepped away from the path, again following

her nose, happy at last to be continuing her journey, “and perhaps we might meet again,

sometime later?” After that Alice disappeared from sight behind a fat Castor Oil Plant.

No sooner had Alice rounded the fat plant than she saw a whole new landscape appear

in front of her. And as landscapes go, this one was certainly nice, even if it was a bit

peculiar. “How strange a place,” she thought as she gazed across it in wonder. And it

was a strange place, with waterfalls almost everywhere, not large ones, though, just

nice small ones with little pools under them, exactly the right size for refreshing one’s

tired feet.

“What a great idea,” said Alice, “I shall take off my shoes and socks and bathe my tired

feet.” With that she sat on the bank, removed them and then plunged her feet into a

small pool under a particularly beautiful waterfall.

It was relaxing, dangling her feet in the cool waters, so relaxing that before long Alice felt

herself getting sleepy. “No, I mustn’t fall asleep,” she said, struggling to keep her

increasingly heavy eyelids open. “No I mustn’t….” she said as she leant back onto the

lush grass, falling fast asleep.

“Excuse me! I said, excuse me!”

Alice heard nothing; she was still fast asleep.

“Little girl, can you hear me?” said the stern voice, snatching Alice from her restful

slumber.

“Pardon?” she muttered, half asleep, struggling to open her sleepy eyes.

“If you were paying attention, as you should have been,” the voice scolded, “you might

have heard me when I said, excuse me!”

Sitting up, rubbing her eyes, Alice tried to focus on who was actually addressing her.

And when she saw who it was, she was absolutely flabbergasted, for standing in front

of her, on four sturdy flippers, was a majestic White Sea Lion with a red spinning ball

balanced on the end of its shiny black nose.

“Mind you don’t drop that ball onto me,” Alice warned, shuffling backwards to a safe

distance.

“You do me an injustice, to even suggest that I am capable of such a thing,” the Sea

Lion replied, unsmilingly.

Feeling that she might have been a wee bit abrupt, Alice apologised, saying, “I am sorry

if I offended you, but I am not in the habit of seeing balls spinning so close to my face,

especially when I awaken.”

Happy to have received an apology, the Sea Lion said, “Oh, it’s all right, really, everyone

says that to me…”

“They do?”

“Yes,” he coyly admitted. “Ball-spinning comes as second nature to me, and half the

time I don’t realize that I am actually doing it.”

“Now that we have settled that,” said Alice, “please allow me to introduce myself.”

“You didn’t,” said the Sea Lion blankly.

“I didn’t- what?”

“Introduce yourself.”

Feeling confused by the sea lion’s words, Alice apologised again, saying, “I am getting

so frightfully forgetful since my arrival to wherever I am. I might wonder if I had

remembered to bring my own head, if it were not still attached to my body.”

Seeing that she had again forgotten to introduce herself, the Sea Lion took the initiative,

saying, “I am King Tut, king of all the White Sea Lions.”

Alice struggled to contain a laugh, for the only person she had ever heard of with such a

strange name was one of the Pharaohs of ancient Egypt (though she wasn’t too sure

how to spell that, thinking it might possibly be ‘Faerows’), and they had lived an awfully

long time ago. She also wondered how many white seal lions there might be in

existence, to actually be king over, but thinking the number to be low, Alice decided to

keep that observation to herself.

“I am happy to meet you, King Tut,” Alice replied with a curtsy (she did this to make up

for her rude little laugh). Then remembering her own name, she said, “And I am Alice, if

it pleases your royal highness.”

It obviously did please, because the King stopped spinning his ball, and with a quick flick

he tossed it across to Alice who, despite catching it easily, struggled to hold on to the

wet, slippery object.

“That is for you,” said the King, his shiny black nose reminding Alice of a dog she had

once owned.

“Thank you, your royal highness,” Alice replied, almost dropping the ball as she spoke.

“It’s Tut,” said the King, “I have never been one for formalities, just call me Tut.”

“Thank you – Tut,” said Alice, dropping the ball as she curtsied again.

Laughing at Alice’s dilemma, trying to keep hold of so slippery an object while carrying

on a conversation, the King offered to mind it for her. Alice returned the ball, throwing it

up to the King’s nose where it began spinning again in earnest. This was a far better

arrangement for Alice, and she smiled a thanks. Somehow, she thought, Tut’s nose

looked so much better with a ball balanced upon it…

Remembering the White Rabbit and her quest to find him, Alice began following her

nose. Seeing this, the King asked, “May I be so bold as to ask where you are going?”

“I am off to find the White Rabbit,” she explained, turning awkwardly this way and that.

“But I am having some difficulty…” she admitted with a little sigh.

“And what might that be?” asked the King, the ball spinning feverishly as he spoke.

“The directions that I was given,” she explained, “were to follow my nose – but I am

getting so confused…”

“Pray, why?” Tut asked with concern.

“I am wondering,” she said, “if it is the left or the right-hand side of my nose, that I

should be following? Oh, Tut, can you see what a peculiar quandary I am in?”

The King laughed at poor Alice, in fact he laughed so much she became embarrassed,

and stamping her foot (as was her habit when annoyed) Alice demanded it cease.

“I am sorry,” the King chuckled, wiping a tear from his eye with a flipper. “But don’t you

know that left is right and right is left, when you are in this part of the world?”

“Left is right and right is left – how can that be?” she asked, touching her nose, to see if

the sides had somehow swapped with each other.

“Everything’s different at the top of the world,” Tut chuckled. “Look at my compass

(Alice had no idea where Tut had procured it), see how the needle spins – didn’t the

White Rabbit tell you anything?”

Trying to work it out, Alice stared down her nose, and decided that the way forward

must then surely be up. “I have it,” she cried, “I must go up – but to where?” she sighed,

getting confused all over again.

“Remember what I have told you, Alice,” said Tut, feeling sorry for her torment.

“Oh you are a dear,” exclaimed Alice when she heard these last words and understood

how to proceed. “Looking down my nose means that I must travel upwards,” she said,

“and if this is right, the direction I must go is surely over to the left.” Alice shrieked with

joy, having finally worked it all out.

Clapping his flippers, showing his approval of Alice’s hypothesis, Tut span the ball

faster and faster until it was a red blur on the top of his nose.

“But how shall I travel up and over to the left?” Alice wondered gloomily, looking across

the waterfall-strewn countryside stretching far into the distance.

After tossing the spinning ball onto a nearby rock, where it continued to spin all by itself,

King Tut dived into the pool creating a big splash as he disappeared under the water.

Seeing this Alice feared she had seen the last of him, but when he reappeared, jumping

out of the water holding a kipper in his mouth, she was, to say the least, a bit surprised,

and she said, “A kipper? Don’t you know that kippers are made in smoky old sheds?”

Grinning, Tut asked, “So how did I find one in this pool?”

“You wished it, didn’t you?” said Alice cried in excitement. “That’s what I must do – isn’t

it? I must wish for help – to get me up and over!”

Tut grinned, swallowed his kipper, let out a burp and picked up the spinning ball on to

his nose again before returning to the water where he swam away without saying

another word.

“It took me a while to work it out, all those confusing directions,” said Alice, “but I got

there in the end… Now how shall I begin? I know, I will close my eyes and make a wish.

Yes, that’s a good place to start. But what will I wish for? Let’s see…” Alice thought and

thought and then thought some more, and when she had finally finished this thinking,

she decided the White Rabbit’s house must surely be there, above and over to the left.

“But how can I get all the way up there?” she asked, her eyes gazing skyward. Then

shrieking with delight, she said, “I have it! I wish, I wish – I wish for an escalator, an

escalator to take me all the way up to the top of the world.”

Alice had no sooner finished speaking, when an tall and very shiny escalator suddenly

appeared. She looked up, trying to see where it actually finished, but it was so long it

seemed to go on forever, twisting left, then right and then left again until it disappeared

from sight.“I shall step onto it at once,” she said, “and perhaps then I shall catch up with

the White Rabbit at his neat little house at the top of the world…”

Chapter Four

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© Gerrard T Wilson 2008